I can't enjoy communicating


     Today, I played mahjong with old friends of mine. I meet old friends about once a month to play mahjong or play sports. 

     I think that they have good parsonality. I know we have equal, close relations. But I can't enjoy communicating with them. I can't truly laugh. No matter how hard I try, I can't help thinking that I am wasting my own time.

     I am sure that the problem is myself. I have a introverted parsonality. In addition, I am selfish. So, I can't bear bargaining with my friends. When I talk with my friends, I feel just like I were demanded my becoming a enjoyable man. I am not imagining things, because I also demand it of them. And to make matters worse, I unintentionally use abusive language. When ever I do, I regret my mistake. 

     I am so troubled that I think I will not be able to enjoy communicating with anyone. 

     [Doubles as training my English writing]